The Catalyst
by me-chan1
Summary: This is in Meilin's semi-angst-y POV, and it's my explanation on why she really wants to marry Syaoran (and it isn't love). Goes into her family life and her "true" identity. I don't know much on Meilin so if anything's wrong, tell me. Review!
1. Default Chapter

The Catalyst

By me-chan

STANDARD DISLAIMER: What would I do (for a Klondike bar? [giggle] just kidding) if I owned CardCaptor Sakura? I guess I would've made Kaho stay with Touya . . . I dunno, but that might've messed up the entire storyline . . . Hmm~ I definitely would've allowed Touya to somehow regain his power back after he transferred it to Yue/Yukito; a powerless Touya just doesn't seem as cool.

For the record though, I don't hold the ownership and publishing rights to CardCaptor Sakura or any of the characters portrayed in aforementioned series. All I write is a work of fan fiction, which is FICTION written by a fan, and is illegal in no way, shape, or form according to the guidelines set out by CLAMP in regard to their works. This plot, my theory on Meilin and Syaoran's reasons for everything, the idea of the Family, how it works, and Acceptance, Meilin's past and her true identity, however, are entirely MINE because I haven't read any Meilin fics before so I can't have filched this off of anyone.

([grin] I'm so lazy. Kudos for you if you noticed that this is pretty much the exact same disclaimer I used in Tamayo's Journal: Of Underwear and Relationships. [ahh, shameless exploitation of disclaimer space for the use of self-promotion. Such a beautiful and utterly Japanese thing . . .])

A/N: Standard A/N warning. These will show up semi-randomly throughout the entire fic, whenever I feel like talking not as Meilin, but as me-chan. Because I feel like it. So there. (Not like anyone cares, anyway)

I was interrupted about three to five times in the writing of this fic (You can probably tell where I was cut off)- I hate being interrupted in the middle of my writing. It cuts off my flow of thought and I have to write some random descriptive stuff scattered here and there before I put out anything new and up-to-par. But forces of nature are forces of nature and the callings of a hungry stomach are not easily ignored. I managed twelve times out of fifteen; the other three were when I went down to eat. 

You know, Meilin reminds me of Devil Hunter Yohko for very obvious reasons. I didn't really like Meilin all that much before this, but now that I've gotten this fic out, I think I like her a lot more. I even feel kinda sorry for her . . . maybe it should've been Meilin and Li. That could've worked out . . . Okay, put down the weapons; temporary insanity is nothing to go hurting semi-harmless people about.

But anyway . . .

I didn't really love Li Syaoran.

At least not the way everyone thought I did.

I didn't even _like_ him all that much to begin with, much less want to spend the rest of my days as his wife.

But he was my ticket to Acceptance into the Family. And I very much wanted to be Accepted. ****

                                    *     *     *

Our Family was very elite, like some sort of high-powered, upper-class association- the nobility, the supreme and most-eminent, the cream-of-the-crop-best of the families; sorta like the Mafia or something, except that we were all related by blood.

I was the only girl, in the Family, a girl in the midst of a sea of boys. When I was young and naïve, I thought that being one of a kind would at least draw some attention to me, sorta make me special in a way. 

Yeah right.

I come from a Chinese Family, and Chinese families are particularly partial to having boys in the family. The concept spawned in ancient rural China and the idea was that a male could work- usually in the fields- and bring money for the family. A male could marry a girl- usually a decent one- and would bring her back with him and enlarge the family. A male would increase the entire family with his children- also preferably males-  and bring forth new generations to care for and respect the elders and pay homage to the dead. But most importantly, a male would carry on the family name and bring honor upon it with his deeds.

A male would do anything for the family. Anything and everything.

Now you'd think that since we were from Hong Kong- or at least that was where the "headquarters-of-sorts" were situated- it wouldn't be so sexist. I mean, this is Hong Kong, modernized version of China and technically not even a real _part_ of China. (A/N: I know that Hong Kong is now legal property of China once again, after July of 1997, but keep in mind that CardCaptor Sakura was first released and serialized in Kodansha's "Nakayoshi" Comic Magazine by CLAMP in June of 1996. If you don't believe me, you can check for yourself. I dunno. This screws up the entire plotline here, though. For simplicity, let's just pretend Hong Kong never returned to China- would've been better for Hong Kong, too. Anyway . . .) This stuff just doesn't _happen_ in modern societies.

Yeah, well, old habits die hard. Really hard. That's all I have to say. The preference between girls and boys is major in mainland China where there are up to twenty men for every girl in rural areas (A/N: Seriously. It's true. TIME did an article on it about two or three months ago.), and shows up occasionally in the small families in Hong Kong even though most deny it like people deny being racist. You have to give them credit, though, because some of them really do _try_ to keep from being partial to one over another, and some of them have eliminated it entirely. 

Just not our family.

It didn't help that I was from the _Family_- note the capital "F" there, if you would please. Also note that I'm only _from_ the Family, not _a member_ of the Family. With us, there's a very big significance between the two. Being from the Family meant that one was born a descendant of the Ancestors, a Child of _The_ Clow Reed. 

Now that may sound grand and all, but let me assure you, the position isn't much greater than that of a loyal Family servant. In fact, it's almost _equal_ to the rank of a Family servant whose own family served the Family since the days of Clow Reed. And even then, the servant's lower only because they are not of the same Blood as Us. 

Or the Us that doesn't quite include me, that is. 

If you ask me, though, my position's worse than that of a Family servant, even a new one: at least Family Members _talked_ to servants. And sometimes, if they were really lucky and a Member took a fancy to them, they might even be allowed to talk without permission, to give advice, to act like a _friend._

I wasn't allowed _that_ honor.

As for me, well . . . They avoided me like I was the Plague or something.

And maybe to Them, I was.

Now being a _Member_ of the Family was an entirely different thing from simply being _from_ the Family. It meant being Accepted- note the capital "A" there too, please- which is a very integral part of a person's sanity, particularly the sanity of a Non-Accepted Person from the Family. 

Namely me.

It didn't help that I was a Non-Magical being either. And a Non-Magical descendant of the Family was as unusual as, say, a lily in the midst of a painting that otherwise consisted of dragons and wolves.

And in a way, that was how it was. All my cousins had names that pertained to some strong animal or another- in fact, I think we started running out of strong animals because there were so many boys. There was Daifuu, which meant "Big Tiger"- change the tone slightly and it played double duty as "Underpants" which everyone called him behind his back. And then there was Xiaoufuu, his younger brother. Then Xiaoufuu got changed to Jungfuu, which means "Middle Tiger" when the third "Tiger" brother was born and the youngest was then named Xiaoufuu. And so it went. 

I think we had a distant relative called Li Xiaoulong. He was some sort of karate-fighting movie star in America or something. He didn't have enough Magic to seriously battle, couldn't make it in the Magic world, and that was what consequently killed him. Got shot or something because he couldn't set up a decent forcefield to deflect the bullet. Considered a shame to the Family name. Called himself Bruce Lee or something. Long time ago. But anyway.

We even had to resort to using Japanese for some of the later names, which is where Syaoran's family came in. Since someone had already taken the Chinese numbers up to ten for the Chinese "Wolf" names, in Syaoran's family there was Ichiran, Niran, Sanran, Yonran, Goran, and last of all, there was Shao-Lang, the "Little Wolf". I think he was the only one in his entire immediate family that had an entirely Chinese name. Of course, it changed a little and became Syaoran when he went to Japan, but that's to be expected.

In Chinese, Meilin means "beautiful water lily". (A/N: Well, technically, it means "beautiful lotus blossom", but "lotus blossom" sounds so unattractive in English and the main objective Chinese-name-wise is to have it sound as if the person in question is as lovely, delightful, exquisite, etc., as the name implies [of course, those adjectives only apply to girls' names, obviously. With guys, it's to sound as strong, as respected, or as intelligent as possible. Etc.]. And lotus blossoms are referred to as water lilies anyway [says so in Webster's] Also, you'll notice that I took the liberty of changing Meilin's name from Meiling to Meilin, taking out the "g". I don't know what "ling" means in Chinese- closest thing I can think of is the sound a bell makes- but "lin" paired with "mei" is a popular Cantonese [which is that language used in Hong Kong] name meaning "beautiful water lily". And it turns out that Meiling's favorite flower is a lotus blossom. This being a CLAMP work, I figured it couldn't have been a mere coincidence. It was a coincidence for me, though, 'cause I didn't know that I'd spelled Meiling's name wrong in the first place, and I had no idea about her favorite flower either. [shrug] it works out. So there you have it. Anyway again . . .) Well, if you _really_ want to get technical (A/N: [nervous chuckle] I seem to have that problem . . .), it could mean a whole bunch of other things, especially considering the large number of synonyms in the Chinese language. It usually wouldn't make a difference since each character means a different thing, but my name had never been written out before on account of the fact that I wasn't Accepted into the Family yet. It could mean "beautiful speed", "beautiful year"- what a weird name- any number of things other than "beautiful water lily", but that's usually only on the mainland where the people like to be unique and make up all sorts of different combinations; in Hong Kong, calling your daughter Meilin could only mean one thing: "beautiful water lily".

So I _was_ kind of a harmless, un-powerful lily in the midst of a lot of Magical dragons and wolves, which seemed to be the most popular names for my cousins. Kind of a pun. 

Okay, so it wasn't all that funny.

As for me, well, obviously, it wasn't that hard to think up a name, since I was the only girl. 

Well, there _was_ Syaoran's sister, Meili, "beautiful strength", whose name should've explained it all. No one could treat _her_ like a Non-Accepted being though, since she was the last in the line of pure-bloods: Li's father was a pure-blooded Member and so had been Meili's late mother before she'd passed away. Any pure-blooded Member was treated as such, regardless of gender. To the mix-blooded Family Members, I don't suppose gender would have mattered much if They were going to be whipped then dunked in salt water for insolence.

But that wasn't my case. And since I wasn't even Accepted, much less pure-blooded, I accounted for the only girl.

Of course, girl or not, Accepted or not, I was still a Descendant and bore the Family name- it wouldn't do to give me an unattractive name for it would imply that I was unsightly, and anything bad _simply_ _couldn't_ be associated with the Family. Being a girl was bad enough- no need to make it worse with an unappealing name. 

My Mother was considered a bit of a shame to the Family for having a daughter; I believe she was even a bit of an outcast for quite some time after my birth. But she had borne the Family several sons, each containing the Magical blood of my Father, and so, had been Accepted. 

But being her daughter didn't necessarily mean she would Accept me. It was kinda harsh that way. Otherwise, her own Acceptance would've been revoked, and having only married into the Family, I guess she felt it was too much to give up.

That was just the way it was. All for one, and one for self. It had to be that way; the competition for special treatment and attention was fierce- only the strongest survived at the top. Those who felt no desire to be ferociously attacked physically and psychologically were just as happy to be the bottom-dwellers of the Family. Those select few whose craving for distinction and further Acceptance into the elite hierarchy of the Upper Family- whose blood ran strictly of Clow Reed, pure of any contamination- reached deeper than body and mind would wage war like the mortal enemies they considered each other to be. 

And considering how much Power and Magic those select few needed to survive for so long, being around Them for long was not a safe- nor reasonably smart- thing to do. Diluted blood might have curbed the extent of their powers a bit, but the blood of everyone who wasn't in the Upper Family was diluted in some way or another, so they were all still pretty equal.

Luckily for us, the strongest Power Manifested itself in one Li Syaoran before any serious damage could take place. Well, it wasn't really the strongest, but it was the strongest we had so far.

We hadn't known of Clow Reed's split reincarnations back then.

And we needed as much strength and powerful magic as we could get. The Seal to the long-hidden Book of Clow had been broken. It was Time.

The Clow Cards were Awake. ****

                              *     *     *

Syaoran and I knew each other before we even arrived in Japan to capture the Cards.

The strange thing was that I'd known Syaoran since forever.

It might not sound all so strange if we were of any other family, since it's kinda hard not to have done so, seeing as we're related. But we were born into the Family. And according to the Family, we were of an entirely different Caliber. 

Me, I was the lowest in status, the only Non-Magical being, and the only girl to have been born since Clow Reed's daughters. Except They could be overlooked as girls since They'd been some of the strongest Magical beings in the world. One of them even moved to Japan, and her descendants have lived on to this day. But that wasn't me. It was Kinomoto Sakura.

Syaoran on the other hand, was already well-Accepted into the Upper Family and was expected to soon show signs of a power similar to that of Clow Reed's.

Technically, we should never have even crossed paths, much less gotten to know each other- power attracted power, and I didn't have any power to speak of, much less enough to have gotten Syaoran's attention. But it's kinda hard to remain unnoticed when you're the only girl in the Family. That still shouldn't have been enough though. 

But it was.

For some reason, it was . . .

I guess he felt sorry for me, which wasn't quite a first. But the fact that he actually did something about it, now _that_ was a first. 

He was the first one to try to make friends with me, which I really didn't want. Well . . . I _did_ want friends, but none out of sympathy. Sympathy friends aren't real friends, and they make me feel like a pathetic loser who can't do enough to make friends on her own. Having a sympathy friend is like having someone who doesn't trust you. It's kinda like they don't trust you enough to make friends on your own so they go out of their way to be a friend to you. That's what Syaoran was doing.

Or at least, it's what I _thought_ he was doing. It irritated me beyond belief, and though I should've been thankful that at least someone was talking to me, I wasn't. 

In fact, it angered me so much that I had a tendency to lash out at him, unnecessarily, I know now. If the Elders had known about it, I probably would have been crucified upside-down on a telephone pole already, but for some reason, Syaoran was very tolerant of my unexplained actions. Silent as always, but very tolerant. 

Not very like the Syaoran most are familiar with, I know.

At the time, it made me even more mad. It made it seem that he really _was_ being a sympathy friend because if he got mad and left me alone, no one else would approach me. 

Which probably would have been the case.

I didn't admit it, though, obviously.

So of course, I pushed away. I could find and make my own friends. I didn't need some sympathetic jerk who thought too much of his own worth. It wasn't as if though I'd _asked_ for him to be my friend. I was fine without him. I could find friends of my own, thank-you-very-much.

Of course, no one said they had to be human.

That was the case. Other than Syaoran, my only friend was a small bird that I'd taken the liberty of name Kotori, "little bird" in Japanese. I wasn't supposed to know Japanese in the first place, but when your cousins are outside fighting for dominance, their schoolbooks aren't the thing they're most worried about at the moment. And since it wasn't like _I_ had any Magic with which to fight for dominance, or any desire to fight either, all I did was flip through the books. 

Being quite well-off in Chinese considering my age, I soon had most of the Chinese works read. Of course, there were exceptions like the ancient manuscripts that used words that I'd never learned before, but those were usually long and wordy anyway, so I decided to learn a new language. And since Japanese applies the usage of Chinese characters into their kanji, it was the ideal second-language. It's just that I had a little trouble with the hiragana and the katakana. To this day, I still need a chart with me to look up the pronunciations. (A/N: I think it was written somewhere that Japanese was her least favorite language. Hmm, what a strange coincidence- I didn't even know that when I wrote this . . .) Otherwise, Japanese suited me fine.

So that was that. And the bird was called Kotori.

Bird? I know it seemed like I was _totally_ shunned by the Family for being a Non-Magical Girl, but that wasn't quite true; I was just _mostly_ shunned by the Family- there's a difference. They couldn't quite disown me because Clow Reed's blood still ran through my veins, and Magical or not, that Blood was still pretty Sacred to Them. So the way it worked was that I was pretty much left alone. At the time, it was the best They could do.

In any case, I had a bird given to me by someone. Maybe they felt sorry for me, or they were ordered to do so, or maybe it was my birthday. I don't know since my birthday wasn't celebrated and all anyway; that's what happens when you're in the Family but not Accepted by it: there's no reason to celebrate your existence- it's not like you're of any help to Them or anything anyway.

Kotori was the only friend I had besides Syaoran, and like Syaoran, I wasn't even sure if it was my _real_ friend. Maybe it was just using me for the food. A sort of silly thought, but there was the possibility that that was the case. After all, it wasn't like it could talk or anything. It was no flashy parrot, just a small bird, a sparrow or a robin or a canary or something like that.

But it was _something_, and I tried desperately to console myself that it was really my friend. That's what one does when one has no other friends.

One day, I got it into my head that if it were really my friend, I could take it out of the wicker cage and it would stay on my hand, unafraid. Just like in the movies.

Of course, it wasn't a movie, it was real life, and the poor thing was scared out of it wits when I chased it around the wicker cage with my finger, trying to get it to perch on it. I think I terrified it so badly that it excreted on the floor when it finally reached and exited through the cage door. Then when that was done and over with, it took to the skies and the forest surrounding the Family residence. 

Stupid me hadn't closed the door. 

Stupid me hadn't even done it inside- I'd taken it out on the porch, so sure of Kotori staying was I. 

But stupidest of me was letting Syaoran see me cry.

He wasn't even supposed to be there that day; we both knew that there was to be a training session for him later that afternoon and why he stumbled into the piece of Family property where I was located is still a mystery to this day. 

I would've ignored him, pretended like I wasn't crying, and lashed out at him indignantly, what the hell was he looking at? But given the present situation, Syaoran was my only friend left, sympathy friend or no, and he somehow managed to get the story out of me. It was kind of embarrassing, but it was all it took to motivate him into running towards the woods.

It was horrible weather that afternoon: the false cheeriness of a bright, blue morning masked the heavy, murky wetness that bespoke of a summer thunderstorm just waiting to catch someone off-guard and too far from decent shelter.

Weather just waiting to happen. 

And it did happen.

But Syaoran showed neither hide nor hair of returning. And it made me nervous. Now, not only would I be shunned for being a Non-Magical Girl, I would probably be pulled apart in the four cardinal directions by wild horses tied to each of my limbs for having lost Syaoran.

I could tell Syaoran's loyal servant was thinking along the same lines as well. But I knew that if I was going down, the servant was too. Lucky for me that he knew it as well. There was no way he could accuse me of causing Syaoran to run off on his own without the servant getting in trouble himself for not having run after his master. So we sat there the whole afternoon, watching and waiting for a certain Master Li.

Of course, Wei's older now and we actually get along pretty well, but that wasn't the case back then- he was a newly-ordained Family servant and scared out of his wits because with the Family, losing one's job meant losing one's life. I don't suppose Wei wanted to die at the age of forty or fifty-some. (A/N: I'm assuming Wei's about late-fifties, early-sixties or so when we see him with Syaoran in Japan.) Not very young, but considering how old some of the other servants were, he was like a five-year-old kid. And five-year-old kids don't exactly want to die yet. So he was pretty nervous.

The summer storm struck and still Syaoran hadn't returned. Midday turned to early evening, downpour to mini-typhoon and still no sign of the young master. I even began to wonder whether or not he was still alive.

But then again, he had Magic- he would survive. 

We just weren't sure how close to death his survival would be when he did.

When all hope had been lost, and then some, Syaoran came his hands cupped lightly around Kotori, and his hair, face, and body muddy, pale from the cold, and scratched deeply all over by branches and crows. (A/N: Hey, didn't Kamui do the same thing for Kotori's hat in X #5?)

It should have been dramatic, it should have been heroic, it should have been that he returned unscathed, the raindrops dodging out of his way so that he not get wet. It should have been like in the movies where the sun shines down at the exact moment to cause a heavenly effect. But it didn't.

Because this wasn't the movies. It was real life.

And real life meant that there were responsibilities to return to. And Syaoran, being who he was, returned to his own like he was expected to, with no complaints, excuses, or comments to me at all.

Of course, it being real life, later that week, the entire household was notified that "Master Li Syaoran" had caught a very high fever. All Members well practiced in the Medical Magics had flocked to his side, not to mention several well-wishers, myself included, although just barely.

Not having been Accepted into the Family, I was an Outsider, and outsiders simply weren't allowed in the presence of the Accepted, especially one of such high esteem as the Young Master Li.

And being in such a condition as he was, the Young Master Li could not afford to risk such a hazard in his presence. No amount of dodging between legs and screaming my lungs off could get me into his room.

I wouldn't have been able to get in either if it had not been requested that I be allowed in after hearing my loud protests. I even got to spend the entire afternoon alone with him, at his request.

I think that's when we finally became friends****

                              *     *     *

It was later announced that I was betrothed to Syaoran. 

I didn't really get it at first. Why me? It didn't make sense. 

I was Non-Magical. 

I wasn't quite the epitome of Powerful-Magic-ness either. 

I wasn't even an Accepted Member of the Family.

And I was his cousin! That alone was pretty gross to me. I mean, it wasn't even like we were severely distant cousins- I think he was my first or second cousin, pretty close in the Family tree. 

Not that I have anything against cousin-marriages- after all, the entire Upper Family was kept pure-blooded only through that sort of marriage, and most of the ancient societies- China, Europe, heck, even the _cavemen_- were in favor of it.

It's just  . . . it was just that it was too . . . was just too . . .

Weird.

But They told me that They wanted to keep as much Blood in the Family as possible. And now that They had a girl who had the same Blood, it was very possible. 

This wasn't the first time I'd regretted being born a girl in the Family.

Of course, They explained, They were a little disappointed that I had no Magic to speak of, but there was nothing to be done, and wouldn't I like to give another try at showing _some_ sign of Magic, just so that Syaoran's offspring would have a better chance?

Believe me you, if I had any Magic that I knew of, I would've shown you guys and gotten this whole Acceptance thing over with.

Of course, I didn't say that- I mean this is the Upper Family that I'm talking to- but I thought it, and if any of them had telepathic powers, they sure didn't show it.

They only nodded in sympathy and told me that really, it couldn't be helped, but it couldn't hurt to try, and that They hoped my Non-Magic gene was non-hereditary, and this Non-Magical-ness was merely the cause of a recessive Magic gene somewhere, They supposed.

It made me mad that They had accepted this so calmly and unquestionably- I mean, we're family! 

Well, sorta, if you ignored all the complications included in our Family . . . 

But still! We were related. Blood and water, people, blood and water! We should back each other up! At least try to force some Magic out of me! 

It was as if though my Non-Magic-ness had already become indisputable fact or something.

And it made me mad.

But it wasn't like I could do anything.

Now my only chance at being Accepted lay in successfully bearing at least one Magical child, preferably powerful and male, for the Family.

And that's when the tables turned: now I had to stick with Syaoran instead of the other way around. It was the only way to ensure my Acceptance.****

                              *     *     *

I really wasn't supposed to go to Japan with him, but there was no way I was going to stay back and allow some Japanese girl to get to him- it would destroy all my chances of being Accepted into the Family, and I simply couldn't risk it being screwed up now that I finally had my chance.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing. The Family didn't think lightly of first-time failures, and second chances were hard to come by as a Non-Accepted.****

Which was why I worked so hard to keep Kinomoto Sakura away from him. I couldn't care the least that they were obviously in love with each other, although they couldn't see it themselves at the time. I didn't care that what I did might jeopardize their happiness. I felt it was my right to be selfish like that.

After all, it was my first time being selfish in anything, and it felt good.

But then we became friends. 

And the whole thing fell apart.****

                              *     *     *

I dunno when it happened, or even why it happened, but it did.

Kinomoto and I being friends, that is.

It wasn't supposed to have happened though, considering all the actions I took to prevent it: I was mean, I was haughty, I was rude and outright obnoxious. I clutched at Syaoran like he was some cherished toy. I accompanied them on their Clow Card Capturing Expeditions and criticized the then-unknown Mistress of the Cards on her undertaking of the task, which were flawless. But I never told her that. 

I even swore that I loved Li with all my heart because if I hadn't done so, there would have been no agreement on his part to the marriage. 

He may not have loved me like he loved Sakura, but Syaoran- despite his cold and hard demeanor- is like a piece of tofu sometimes. If I made sure to tell him that I "loved" him and he didn't love anyone, I knew that he would find it in his heart to suffer just to make me happy.

It wasn't quite fair on my part since I really didn't _love_ him, but after being the Family outcast for so long, I felt that I _needed_ and _deserved_ to be Accepted.

So I made him promise that until he found someone he loved just as much, he would be engaged to me.

Of course, one must notice the wording used there, since there is quite definitely a catch: he had to be quite conscious of being in love with the person before I would back off. And at the time, both he and Kinomoto didn't even know that they were _friends_, much less destined to fall in love.

So it worked out. Or it should have.

But then I had to return.
    
    I didn't have any magic. Even if I stayed with Syaoran, I couldn't do anything for him. There was no need for me to be there to help him look for the Clow Cards if I couldn't even sense them in the first place. 
    
    That was what the Elders told me. 
    
    So what could I do? I returned as ordered.
    
    Maybe that's where it went wrong, maybe it was my absence that allowed them to get close, to realize their love.
    
    Or maybe it was inevitable. Maybe they were already Destined To Be. 
    
    I'm sure that it would have been almost possible for me to persuade Syaoran to change his mind when he called me for my second return to Japan. I could have done something, I could have said something, I could have stayed attached to him so tightly that Kinomoto and he would have never been alone together again.

I could have prevented the final outcome.

But then Sakura and I became friends. 

And I just couldn't find it in my heart to hate her. Because that's not what friends do. And that was what we were.

We were friends. 

Here was one of the few people in the world who liked me and wanted to be around me despite everything I did to force her into doing the opposite.

It made me mad, but once again, what could I say, what could I do? 

Especially since I liked Sakura so much that I felt no want to do so. Syaoran was my first friend and Sakura, my second. How could I be the cause of their unhappiness?

What could I say, what could I do?

Nothing. Not to her, not to Syaoran. What difference would it have made if I had said or done anything about it? It wouldn't have changed anything. You can't just order someone's feelings to change. Life didn't work that way. 

But if only it could. 

I couldn't do anything about it. 

Not even get mad.

How could I hate her for being something she wasn't even conscious of? 

The holder of Li Syaoran's heart.

And the reason why I could not be Accepted by marriage into the Family.

I went home dejected, depressed, wondering why it had to end up that way. All my time, my efforts, my energy and hope, spent, gone, used up, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and mind. What could I do now? 

Now that my only chance at being Accepted had rejected me, I thought that I would never be Accepted in the Family. On the plane, I considered ways to live my life out without being under the watchful eye of the Family. It wasn't like I had any Magic to speak of to cause Them to change Their minds about my Acceptance anyway.

Boy was I wrong.

                              *     *     *

I found out a few days ago that They had discovered my Magic. It wasn't awarded as much attention or pomp and circumstance as the discovery of Syaoran's magic- or any of my other male cousins' for the matter- but to my attention-deprived existence, it was more than enough. 

Not like I expected any ceremony at all.

So of course I was more than a little surprised when They held a tiny little ceremony for me consisting of only the Family Elders.

The Elders had me studied for days after my Magic first Manifested itself. Of course nothing happened, especially when under such detailed surveillance from Them. A watched pot never boils, and it boils even slower than never when it's nervous and freaking out because the Family Heads have been tag-teaming in watching over it.

Finally, they pulled me aside to give me the results of their observations, the valuable fruits of their labor. They said I was a Clow Card.

I said no way in hell.

But, as it turns out, there may be no way in hell. But there sure is a way on planet earth. 

I was like, If I'm a Clow Card, how come I can talk? How come I can do things of my own free will? How come I hadn't exhibited any Magic beforehand? How the hell can I be a _Clow Card_ when I'm so obviously _human_?

What about my _brothers_? How come _they_ weren't pronounced Clow Cards?

Clow Cards only manifest themselves in feminine, androgynous forms. (A/N: At least I _think_ they all do- anyone seen a male-looking Clow Card before?)

Now I was freaked out. I mean, like, more freaked out than I was before, which I didn't think was possible, but it obviously is. So now that I'm a Clow Card, I'm not a _girl_ anymore?

But I was just getting used to it!

They said that wasn't the case- I was still very much the same girl I'd always been. The only difference was that the power in me had been discovered, that's all.

Of yeah, that makes the just the _tiniest_ difference in my life.

Apparently, I'm a new breed. I hate that word. Makes it seem like I'm some thoroughbred horse or something.

Turns out my Mother has some ancestor who was a Clow Card, though. The Card of Help, or something or another. I dunno, never heard of it myself. But if the Elders say it, I guess it must be true. 

I was wondering why the Family has allowed marriages between the Blood and Outsiders. Turns out they're marrying them off to Clow Cards.

Yuck.

How weird is that?

Actually, the union hadn't really been deliberate. This was no arranged marriage between a Clow Card and a Member. The Elders simply sensed a Magic in Mother and Accepted her.

But it still doesn't explain some things. A Clow Card is no simple matter. Clow Cards were the very essence of Clow Reed, a deep power spanning an eternity encased in magical cards. They were even equipped with their very own Masters and Guardians, and the Book of Clow was constructed as a prison to keep them until they could be Controlled.

So considering all those things, if I was a Clow Card, how come my Power, my Magic, hadn't set off klaxons in the amazingly sensitive minds of the Family Members?

I was suspicious, and I had right to be. Something fishy was going on.

They told me the reason it had never been noticed before was because it wasn't an offensive Power. Technically, it wasn't even a Defensive one either. It was more of a Random type than anything else, although I've been grouped with the Defensive since they're unwilling to set out a new category.

Yep, that's me, classified the Randomness Factor in everything that I do . . .

And since this Power has been recorded to have Manifested itself only once- enter me, the first one of anything _good_, for once- I don't suppose it'd be too easy to find someone to train me in using it. 

They told me my Power enables me to "boost" the power level of anyone or anything I choose simply with my presence on the battlefield. I could increase a person's power tenfold if I so chose. With this power, I could just about rule the world. 

Pretty cool, I told them. 

They told me They _had_ noticed a slight Manifestation of this Power in me after I'd returned from Japan the first time. They said They _had_ noticed a new Power in the air around the same time the Cloud Card was Captured. That was when I helped Sakura Capture a Clow Card because she was too weak to Capture it herself- I guess my "level-boosting power" thing was what helped her Seal it in. 

They also said that there seemed to be an identical power to the one I showed when Sakura Captured the Cloud Card with my help. This second one showed up when I returned to Japan the second time, when the Reincarnation of Clow was Testing the Card Mistress for the last time. They said that I had transferred enough power to Sakura to make up for the amount she had lost while changing her Cards to Sakura Cards. They weren't sure if I was even conscious of it, though, since I seemed really distracted when I returned.

Ha. If they had only known. 

That day was when Syaoran told me he loved Sakura and that our engagement was off. 

That was the day I realized that I would never be Accepted into the Family.

That was the day- Wait, they'd said my power had shown up _twice_ already.

But that was exactly it. That was why I was suspicious. 

They'd noticed. 

They'd sensed a power. 

They'd sensed it _twice_.

They simply hadn't enough faith in me to investigate it more.

I told Them, Way uncool. I had quite a lot to say on the matter, mostly concerning the fact that if they'd suspected I had a Power for so long, how come they didn't look into it or confront me about it?

And so on.

At least They had the decency to look somewhat ashamed of their pureblooded selves.

They had excuses, that I simply didn't understand, that since I'd never shown signs of power ever since my birth, this new, powerful Magic that they'd noticed could quite possibly be a mistake on their behalf; that the power could have been attributed to the new Card Mistress, this-and-that a million other things except what I wanted to hear: a truthful answer.

But they had no answer. 

And an answer was what I wanted.

I wanted an answer even more than I wanted to be Accepted. 

Being Accepted didn't answer my question. But it sure eased the pain. 

And now, because of my power, I am an Accepted Member of the Family.

And because of the nature of my power, I am considered one of the most favored of the Accepted.

They gave my power a Name. 

I was the Catalyst.

End.

And now, time for today's Rent-a-Muse™ . . . Wizard, the Angel from Angelic Layer!

Would you like to say a word or two about the fic which you inspired, oh great Wizard-sama?

 **. . . [Silence. And then, in the distance, crickets chirp and a cow moos . . .]**

Oh yeah . . . Angels can't speak. [sweatdrop] But because he is today's Rent-a-Muse™, he'll continue to do what he does best: stand there and look cool! [insert appropriate ooh-ing and aah-ing] Ooooohhh, Aaaahhh . . . Okay, joke's over; who's today's _real_ Rent-a-Muse™?

**[Icchan curls out of the bottom of the screen like those Snake-In-A-Basket things] Icchan has returned~ [strike a Dramatic Pose] And I have come to fulfill my duties as your Rent-a-Muse****™****!!!!!!! [The room Darkens, Lightning Strikes in the background, and Thunderclaps, well, Clap.]**

My Muse™ is Icchan? How? You weren't even near when I thought this up in the bank! What? I don't get it! [Special Effects Crew comes out and takes away the Lightning-Simulator**™** and Thunder-Like Noisemaker 1400**™**from the stage. They are replaced by a piece of "panic-background" art from a ten-thousand year old monkey left alone in a room with a typewriter filled with orange and red ink after the typewriter ran out of black ink from typing out a copy of Hamlet. Said of copy of Hamlet is being burned to provide lighting since it was written by Shakespeare.]

**[Weird, gender-confused computer voice comes on over a mysterious loudspeaker/intercom thing] Please excuse this interruption while me-chan promptly panics. [elevator music comes on. Stage crew hums along.]**

**[back to Icchan] Oh yeah, I was supposed to be hunting down Ogata. Nearly died of hunger in your last fic, Tamayo's Journal, since he was being your Muse****™**** for that one. Took him away from me for a month and a half. It's time to die, Ogata! [runs off the stage]**

Okay. So who is it now? If no one's going to show up, we might have to keep that "panic-background" on stage for the rest of the Rent-a-Muse™ space. Oujirou-sama! You're my Muse™? [insert celebration noises]

**Actually, I just came to retrieve Wizard. Tamayo-chan wanted to see him practice before our next tournament. She still hasn't figured out the electrical field yet.**

[dejected] Oh . . . Sure you don't want to stay?

**Sorry, I promised her. [to audience] But if you want to catch more of me, read me-chan's other work, Tamayo's Journal: Of Underwear and Relationships! I play a VIP (Very Important Part) in it! See you there! **

[tears of joy are running down my face like waterfalls ([grin] A guess, anyone? Pedro from Excel Saga, vol. 1!) while I hug Oujirou-sama like a Squishable™, which he should be except I have no plushie of him, unfortunately. But I have the real thing!] Oujirou-sama! Arigato gozaimasu! Helping me shamelessly advertise like the true Japanese you are! Aishiteru!

**[whispers Prediction of the Day into me-chan's ear] Ja na (A/N: Masculine form of "Ja ne") minna!**

[indignant as he scampers off the stage] I'm not telling! I hope Tamayo doesn't know you're doing this to the All-Powerful Fanfiction Writer!

**[Lightning-Simulator****™****, Thunder-Like Noisemaker 1400****™****, and Ominous Music come on as the *real* All-Powerful Fanfiction Writer warns me-chan] **

Okay, okay. Semi-Powerful Fanfiction Writer! Happy? [goes into the corner and sulks]

**Me-chan? Are you there? It's me, Daidouji Tomoyo from CardCaptor Sakura. You know, your Rent-a-Muse****™**** for today?**

Tomoyo-chan? [pulls out a tremendously long piece of paper from hammerspace and sneaks a peek at it.] Hey, you're not on my Rent-a-Muse™ list!

**You could very easily add me on, you know.**

Oh yeah. Note to self. And aren't you breaking some sort of unwritten me-chan-verse rule by being the Muse™ for a story that's from the same series as you are?

**[shrugs] Ogata got to do it for your Angelic Layer fic.**

But he was the replacement! It was originally Yamato-san!

**Hey, if I was your Muse™ then I was your Muse****™****. Not like I really had a choice. Sorry I was late, though. I was taping the entire thing from the back of the noticeably *empty* auditorium and couldn't make it up to the stage in time.**

[nervous chuckle] It's not *that* empty. [crickets chirp even louder than before, the cow moos, and a really strong Gust Of Wind blows through the entire place to emphasize the Major Lack Of People] Okay, so maybe it is. So what? Say, didn't you just mention that you taped the entire production?

**From beginning to end, all on my Trusty Digital Camcorder. [pats said camcorder fondly]**

Can I watch?

**Can I have a part in your next fanfic?**

Why you would want to is beyond me. Depends on how inspiring my next Rent-a-Muse™ is, though. But one last thing before we go . . .

According to longstanding (three ff.net submissions counting this one) tradition [insert important-sounding music] today's Squishable™ is . . . [drum roll . . .] the black Dragon Cat thing from Trigun! Don't try to tell me it's not a dragon and it's not called Dragon Cat, I don't care! It's my plushie and (A/N: [singing] I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. [sheepish grin] Sorry, unauthorized me-chan moment. Well anyway . . .) It's my plushie and I'll call it whatever I want! So it's Dragon Cat! So there!

[glomps the black looks-nothing-like-a-dragon-but-me-chan-calls-Dragon-Cat-anyway cat] "Squishie!!!" 


	2. mere author update

AUTHOR UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not very necessary unless you noticed any errors in my fic)

I have just been notified that I have quite a few errors in my fic. Thank you Flameraven, for being such a devoted CCS fan! As for the rest of you, kudos for you if you noticed, and don't feel too bad if you didn't. After all, I didn't know about it either . . . (Actually, quite expected, seeing as I don't have any of the CCS manga and WB doesn't show CardCaptors anymore . . . evil)

Anyway, since I've been accused of talking too much by one of my reviewers, here they are in no particular order:

1.) Most of the Clow Cards that _Sakura_ Captured and Sealed were female- I'm taking a little writer-liberty (or is it creative liberty?) here by assuming that there are more Cards out there, but they're in feminine, ANDROGYNOUS forms. After all, assuming Meilin-chan's mom is a Clow Card descendent as theorized, and Meiling herself was a Clow Card as theorized, let's just theorize the rest of that, okay? Besides, CLAMP seems to have this thing for feminine, androgynous beings anyway (i.e. Nataku from X, Ashura from RG Veda, Nakaru from CCS, etc.)

2.) Also, Li's mother apparently had only one son and four daughters whereas I wrote that she only had one daughter. Well, I found this out yesterday in manga volume 3, or 4, or 6 or something, and anyway, could we just pretend that it doesn't work out that way? 'Cause I liked this story, and the whole freaking thing doesn't work once you factor in those four other sisters. After all, it messes up Meilin's entire perspective on things. So just pretend I actually got the facts right for once, okie-dokey? (Usually, I'm a stickler for correct facts and I do a whole bunch of research just to make sure I got things right, but school's about to start, and quite frankly, I don't think I'll have time or energy left do change anything. I'm too lazy anyway. And because school starts soon, I'll see you around Christmas break. ^_^)

If there's anything else I missed, just tell me, and I'll acknowledge it, and if it's fixable, I'll try to do something about it (though probably not anytime soon, if my schedule is correct- I've yet to factor in any crises and possible Armageddons.) If it's not, well, just feel good knowing that you're such a great fan of CCS.


End file.
